Another phase of my life journey was taken an oath today. A decision was made and the talk was walked. A step of next milestone was started.
Yesterday was a dream, today is a result. How many times the debris of words playing in my mind, telling me : Don't give up your dream just to please a person.
The night I cried by the roadside, a lady came out from her massage shop, looked at me and passed me a box of facial tissue. How blessed I was, looking at her and I smiled. I stood up after a cry war and self struggle, walked to her and said, "Mdm, Thank you,". The moment I walked in the dark and busy route, my heart was struggling, very very painful.
I have been losing myself, to please the authorities. When everyone is telling to be "a little bit mean" and "bad", I asked myself, why should I tell myself to do so?
" Because you are way too kind."
They whispered to me. My mommy, and the person I talked to when I cried and walked without knowing where should I head to. "You are just a kind girl," said the two ladies.
To a certain extent, I do not know if I am good enough, after all people saying " Good job, Iris!" to me. Those times I was devalued, I felt helpless, hopeless and selfless. I have never living the life I want. This is not a romanticized saying but a cruel bloody truth.
The moment I shivered and ran out from the roar of blaming and screaming upon me, I couldn't feel myself. The feeling was interesting and strange. Stop scolding me, stop scolding me, I repeated.
I wanted to be a bad girl, that night. Thinking of staying at McDonald but wasn't sure whether it is a 24-hours McD. I regretted to be a good, kind girl in those days when we were supposed to be rebellion.
Blacky the pretty cat cheers me up every morning, giving me a bling of smile from the bottom of my heart. Feeding her biscuits looking at her, is such a beautiful memory to me.
Everytime I talk to people, I feel happy, even they are rude or impolite to me. Really happy. Times like that I train myself to hold back all kinds of temper or anger, but to talk back or write back nicely. Time gives me a precious growth in talking to others learning to look at the beautiful part of others, but I ended up being the most nothing-at-all victim. Well, at least I look at the world with a beautiful heart.
An open-minded person, should have a open heart too. Open minded doesn't mean westernized, Americanized or whatnot. It is how you look at others with a beautiful heart.
This tough decision of mine, will be a tough journey. Go on, Iris. There's no way back.