If you still remember, I love midnight writing.
Tonight is a breezy chilly night, my nerves of feeling to write is triggered perhaps. I feel a sudden mood to dump my writing here.
It is a month to the day when he first confess to me. I have never been too much into a love relationship because I have been a too rational and realistic creature, for the past few years, before I came to realize that this relationship has grown me a lot.
Long distance relationship. Again, I am not a fan of any specific terminology but yes, I don't dodge myself from this label in this case. Our relationship is not mushy, well, yes, for sometimes but I would rather say sappy things are needed when you only get to see each other after almost three years.
It is ridiculous but it is as such. We met each other almost three years after our depart and our love grows even mature after that. And now we are far apart again. Sooner I found myself portraying a side of me that I don't even know. I have a best friend with me since 4 years ago, and I used to be proud of myself that I could do everything way better when I have a partner with me one day. Indeed, I am doing well because I do with love. Being a giver, I always believe that to love is to be heart to heart, putting myself in his or her shoes, trying my best to be contented in every single thing and self-reflect in every debris of daily live. But today, I hear a voice in me: Am I being good enough?
I remember how I observed every single thing when I was on a trip to my best friend, Nicky's hometown. I found myself much more understanding than before and I told myself to bear in mind that it is vital to suit ourselves in every relationship, and it is our friendship in this case. Then, I realize we are getting along well far than before. Things get better when we could openly share our love life matter other than thesis, family, career and so on. I think I am the luckiest girl on earth simply because I have finally gotten the blessing from my best friend on my man.
Well I know there is nothing definite in our life. Things may change. But I am not fear to face this feeling. I don't believe in eternity. I don't even have the faith that this relationship with him will last to the aisle with my white bride dress on. Somehow I treasure every moment I have with him or without him. I found myself learn a lot and grow that to a certain extent, I am blessed to have such experience. No lament but appreciate every little thing from far. I admit that it is hard to have seen each other from video call and it feels even bad when we could only be strong with each other's absence. We long for each other's presence every moment.
We had this little fight last night that I think again I learn to be better. A love is growing when you are willing to forgive not only him but telling yourself he is not to be blamed. We have never really into big fight, well I presume it as a no. Three years time make us treasure each other even more. Apparently, I know love is simple with effort and sincerity. At this age, we are no longer merely eyeing on a stable love story but a Life. We do have talk on family plan, our family, children, place to settle down, career goals etc. We call mom and mommy instead of your mom and your mommy. That's what we communicate all the time. There is no need to be over-relying on each other because we both have goals and dream to pursue together. It is the trust and heart that keep us together. We speak on little things and figure our what are the great things within. Finding inner peace and positive vibes. From him, I found myself. From me, he found a better him.
Umpteen time I thank Life for giving him to me. For giving me an opportunity to make him a better him, not for me, but for himself and his family. That is how I love. He is not the one I dreamed of, but he is the one I found. I know things might change and Life is unpredictable, but I am doing my best in this relationship for now. Simple, low-profile and loving. Appreciate every single little thing is the clue to brings this relationship to a brighter path.
LDR is nice but sometimes it is tough, especially at such moment when he falls sick after a packed work schedule but I can't help but to search for any Chinese medicine that I could get to send to him. I am sorry that I could not be by your side, at times like this. Such awful feeling in me as if I am not playing my role well. I thank Life for giving us, from us I see myself, a better lady, daughter, friend and person.
I can't help but worry about you,
and doodle for you.
Get well soon, Beh. I miss your cheeky words on the screen, your strong body and stubborn-but-well-behaved head.
Umpteen time I thank Life for giving him to me. For giving me an opportunity to make him a better him, not for me, but for himself and his family. That is how I love. He is not the one I dreamed of, but he is the one I found. I know things might change and Life is unpredictable, but I am doing my best in this relationship for now. Simple, low-profile and loving. Appreciate every single little thing is the clue to brings this relationship to a brighter path.
LDR is nice but sometimes it is tough, especially at such moment when he falls sick after a packed work schedule but I can't help but to search for any Chinese medicine that I could get to send to him. I am sorry that I could not be by your side, at times like this. Such awful feeling in me as if I am not playing my role well. I thank Life for giving us, from us I see myself, a better lady, daughter, friend and person.
I can't help but worry about you,
and doodle for you.
Get well soon, Beh. I miss your cheeky words on the screen, your strong body and stubborn-but-well-behaved head.
