In a box

Friday, 22 August 2014

Talk with your Eyes

Finally here comes my night. Night alone with words.
The only way which am with my own self. It has been a long time since I buried myself in such silence night with the embrace of music. Some living things who follow my blogs may know it.

So everything is eventually saturated as the departure day is just a day away from me.
Summarizing up what have I gained in this almost-two-months long break, I would say that everything is about learning.

This is a slightly different holiday to me. Slightly relaxed as I have just retired from the positions in Uni. Its the moment to witness the performances of juniors who handed over my batons.So my friends here almost pulled my ears and asked: Why are you going back so early again this time? Are you seriously involved in the Uni events again? 
Yes I am. Should I hashtag MAP here? No. I dont. You dont make noises before you work, even after you work. 

Work in silence, let your success be your noise. 

You learn in everything. Started my holiday with my third part time job as a tuition teacher. Back to origin. You dont say much, you do. So I have completed another " training" for two months. Leveled up. Thanks to the kids, they taught me a lot. A lot. Everyday is lethargic but fruitful, well you know how much you could do for these kids, unlimited. I want them to learn every single fragments in daily life which, might be missed out by their parents. I did what am passionate in.

So on the second month, my aunt sent me a Whats-app message, asking me if I could teach in Sis' centre in KL before I am back to Uni. It was a real short notice and I was not able to help out. Well you know, you are carrying many planning and mission, as a daughter. A companion to mom, a final year student to the supervisor, an employee to an employer, a teacher to the kids,a patient to the dental doctor and returner to the nature. You just, have to be well-planned. Everything.

Look, you need to be well-planned. And you observe, everything, everyone. Even you are blind.

Well, what make you change?
First, you have learnt enough to be what you want to.
Second, you have been hurt enough that you have to.

You may wonder why and why is this life has been in what way to you. Stop lamenting.

So the UPU result was released a week ago. Not surprisingly, many juniors of mine contacted me like they used to be.
Every single sigh and question is familiar and so understandable. Dear sisters brothers, this is the beginning. You can be successful, wherever you are, Harvard or the shabbiest Uni in local.
You can, when you want to.

This is not bullshitting,  but what I have learnt in my two years time on another beautiful earth and my beautiful Anthropology and Sociology course.
Of course, I would hold on my cliche, I shouldn't be where I am now, you know what I mean. But I respect my choice and am doing my choice a respect until today. And my achievements make some noise. Learning.

Looking back at my cheek, well it is the final year of mine. Flipping over the proposal of my thesis and opening up all the mind maps in my mind, you know everything is on the run. Tonnes of things happened over the past months, regardless on the family, self or the country outside there. You know life is just a blow of thin air,fragile but essential. Come again, Essential.

Things just happen to be happened.Some are shitty some are just fine. You cant tame everyone.
Confessions, talks, words, promises are no longer trustworthy, you gonna learn. So everything makes you ponder. Tragedies happened, and people went away. The only thing you should do is Think. Think and do.

Like I said, I have interacted with various kind of kids. Gifted to be the last child in my family, it does not deprive my understanding on them but I have been attempting to give my knowledge to them.  One single thing I have learn from them is True. Children are true indeed. But dont, dont expect True in your daily life. It turns out to be a different thing. You dont tell me how much you appreciate, or you needed. Sarcasm takes place instead.  Be true, if you want to be treated the same way.

Do your obligation will do. Spend less time on some less nutritious thingy. Learn. Well I know this is subjective. But there are so many buts in life. You just have to observe and ask. Like what I asked myself this morning, why do we need the Humanitarian Action to make certain restriction on wars. You just cant answer. Like I used to ask myself while I was a kid, why people are selfish and self-centered? I stop questioning myself when I know, there is no answer for this question. You just can be somebody else.

Do your job. Be a human and talk less. Money and words cant buy eternal hearts. You dont love people for nothing. And,your dont earn respect for nothing.

Talk with your eyes, the eyes of your heart.

The tragedies taught me so much. Have you learnt ?
The souls are at peace, today 22nd August 2014, on our motherland. 
We mourned and we pray everyday. All God take care of the rest. 

Thursday, 3 July 2014

Don't fool around with your [Religion Pass]

So I believe, God, all the God would not blame me or punish me for not worshiping Him, or them. Whichever god, I believe all the god love me.

For I know, my love to others have exceeded, no one can surpass mine. At least, don't let me down.

For I know, God wants human being to be good in humanity, not in the sense of how devoted you are to the god.

When Dr. Peter asked me,

"So what's your religion?"

"No, I don't have one. I respect every religion and I believe every religion wants us to be good. Humanity comes first."

He smiled.

Don't tell me how devoted you are, but you spit out rubbish to human and betray your friends and fool your friends and sound at your parents and give a death to animals(even a lil bug) and glance at the makcik cleaner and give an ignore to the rubbish in front of you and you talk hurtful words to your students and mates and elders and you throw the untouched food into the dustbin.

You know what, how I encounter these. To certain extent, religion doesn't give you any rescue for your shitty attitude. Don't swear to me under the name of God, swear under your true heart.

Disappointment and pain overwhelm. It has been almost two years. Yes, am now a step to my third year of degree, and am getting matured as time goes by. Daily experience grow me up. Anthropology and Sociology brush me up to think further. The epitome of society is where we are now, the University, you see all sort of people. Encounter numerous experience and a diversity of human- selfish, fake, self-centered, seeking for fame, seeking for name, bitchy, rascal, yeah I know, not all are negative ones,some are warm and nice.

Nonetheless, you know, you can't find a true heart. It is hard, it is tough, it is impossible. The more you expect, the more disappointing it could be. I just don't give a damn if am placed in the Hell after my death, for what I know, I do my obligation when am having my breath, regardless of towards human or animals, all creatures on earth.

While everyone is curious about my religion, nope, I don't have one. An exact one. It doesn't mean that I have zero direction and lost. Believe it or not, there are people who don't even know why they need a religion. Well, no offense.

"I respect every religion and I believe every religion wants us to be good. Humanity comes first."

So I repeat.

Religion are supplement to me. You gonna do your part as a human first. I believe all the god, Lord Jesus, Buddha, Allah, and other folk belief god love me, at least they won't blame me for not being a devoted follower of either of them. Cause they know where I place my heart and where I dump my love.

Being too caring and considerate has made me suffer most of the time. And now am doubtful for all the hearts whether they are true or fake. I just, ponder. Those promises are rubbish, those words are shitty enough that am disgusted indeed. Au fact, am not being sarcastic, but it's a fact, irritable fact.

Who can treasure you more than you treasure yourself?
Who can love you more than you love yourself?


Everyone has an evil in their heart. I don't deny. Sometimes people just allow the demon to wander too much, they show the devil in them.

They seek for fame, they forget the true hearts that are holding for them. They cling on the people who are far more beneficial than us, they forget the promises that are made together. Those are the trauma that preoccupied my lil mind, for now and then. It was so hurtful and yet I opted to forgo.

They seek for help, they ignore the true hearts towards them whenever they are in need. They turn their head and walk away when your holding on big rocks. Ignore.

They release their emotion freely without knowing how hurtful it is to the person, they forget how they could come to where they are now. They ignore everything now and leave the obligation behind.

Human. Human.
Do your part as human, regardless of a student friend daughter son, you don't need to have a Buddha's Heart, but the basic is, you need a human heart.
你不需要一颗菩萨心, 只要一颗人理心。

So you tell me, what is the role of religion here? Tell me.

Humanity comes first.

The moment you fool me, you're fooling yourself.

Friday, 14 February 2014


I am going back. To the place where I should remind myself of all the obligations.

Do it well. With fullest self.

And I still pray that, am able to smile and laugh in the way I am.

Live your life to the fullest. With all the challenges and people.

Hold my hand. And let me forget all the pain.

" Play hard, learn hard ".

Hold on this.

I mean it.

Tuesday, 11 February 2014

Dont Love Me

Is hard to love.
It might be mean from me.
Sometimes it just,
drenched into my mind.
Dont love me.

Just because.

Sunday, 26 January 2014

Why AnSoc?

A week before the release of final exam result, I was on a whatsapp chat with my close friend. From our conversation, I was inspired to write this blog post. Before that, I encountered the same thing when another close friend of mine actually sent me a pm and told me the same problem.


So I think I should write this. Affirmative.

Two days after I have gotten my result, I was completely ready for this post. Till today, many of my dear friends are still asking me how was my result, text message, pm, all channels that are available, that I did not even given them a proper answer. Aww sorry for being such annoying. Low profile bah my style. *Silly smile.

For I know, I mind more on " Why AnSoc?". True, my results have made me over the moon. I was delighted, but for only two minutes, after letting my mommy to know this news. Believe it or not, she is the only one who knows, besides my daddy. The thing that am more concerned with is what makes me to think more on this course, after I have known so many of my friends are struggling in this field, and how the outsiders have underestimated this field of ours.

*** ***

Why AnSoc. Why AnSoc?

A year ago, I was told by my most close-knit senior that the result in your second year degree shows your survival in your course.

"To see who is good enough, you gonna look at the result in the second year, where it has really get into the real course."
Her words  rang in my ears now. But the challenges are ahead thou. So I have made deeper and deeper thought on this. And I come to a clear-cut to make it simple and precise.

So the demon in my soul is asking me : Why AnSoc? 

[Interest] and [reality].

Why AnSoc. When I know that my friend is struggling in this field, frankly, I felt bad. Just couldnt see her being such upset with this struggle. People in this field, at least in this second year of degree could really know, how tough it is to get through all the subjects.

It was really hard. The toughness of the subjects make me proud when I manage to get through them after a profound hard work of mine, in all aspects. I was trying so hard to fit myself and verify my spirit that -- am in the place I have opted to be, even though there is another land that I should had been there.

The first week during my first year degree in university, I was on a call with my relative. God knows, how I felt when the other side of the phone was saying that " Why did you choose this course? It doesnt ensure you a bright prospect Ris! "

Steady. Like I always do,  I replied,

" This is my choice."

“You just couldnt see the reality Ris! After this you shall see. You know this course is less well known in ...."

Whenever I choose to be steady, I am.
I make it through my way.
Regardless of that wet blanket and much "encouraging" words.Imagine what has knocked a uni newbie. Am glad, my heart wasnt ever shook by her words.

Human. Oh human.Whispered.

*** ***

Throughout the years in my degree, sooner I found that this hard course has drowned me into the realm of maturity and wider horizon.

So one day, a quote came across my mind. I made it after reading a text message from my friend who lamented on how her friend actually doubted on what she is currently studying.

"We dont study merely for money,we study for a brain. Take note.
Dont underestimate others' knowledge and field.

For a brain, a thoughtful and matured brain. Yes a scroll might ,determine the prosperity of the future. Somehow, people just went too far away, the purpose of getting into a higher institution is swayed away in a very implicit and realistic pace. Which is annoying au fact. 

Interest and reality

Being a social science student, or more specifically, an Anthropology & Sociology student, simple, am proud to be. I enjoy what am learning. I enjoy the knowledge within. 

You never know, how my head cracked thinking of a single word "Ethnics". "Culture". "Deviance". "Reproduction". Burrowing your head in Marxism, Capitalism, Rousseau and Barth. Whatnot. 

How I struggle in questioning myself on the religion issue and cultural distinction. How I question so much and keep myself upheld with the thought that animals are equal with human that many of my friends are trying to "rescue" me. 

Suddenly. I thank so much to them who always try to answer my questions. Countless questions and doubt. 

Those are the basics. But they have already pushed me beyond the level of thinking that I ought to have. A wider mindset has been instilled in my encephalon. In every aspect. Beyond my field.

You might think we are weird. But we are making thought on things that you underestimate. 

AnSoc, is never an easy bun to be given a bite on.

So, interest and reality. You may say that interest is still interest. Reality=Money ?
So a student in professional studies( doctrine, nursing, veterinary, dental, law, etc.) is guaranteed by a gleaming future?

Even so, (which is usually social-stereotypically yes), I still strengthen much on the amount and diversity of knowledge gained.

By the way, this is a post written using a social scientific spectacle, so there is totally no any offense on any field of studies. Am particularly stressing on the brain and knowledge used.

Simple example. You drag a dog on its neck and tell me it is exactly lower-class than human. You pray hard but you pretend to ignore an old nanny in a MRT. Well, I wont give a damn on your academical degree or what course you are indulged in. You are just a scum.

This reminds me a sentence of a book I read recently, by Haruki Murakami.

" This poor world. Pathetic that these people are studying for pointer, walking fast across the society and quickly they create a petty and low society. These lowlife."

This is why, am always questioning so much on religion. The same case here. The society is way too stereotypical with these angles. Education level and knowledge in your brain is completely different things.

So back to the topic. Why AnSoc.

Once during a talk with my friend, I heard this:
“People might think that we're weird and we only live in our own world.”

Thinking over and over again. Again and again.

And one day I replied.

We cant change people's mindset on certain things.
Rooted racism and objection on cross-ethnics marriage, for example.
Or, like I mentioned earlier, people think that our field is dull and unsecured.

"We cant change. But we could impress them via our talk and thoughts."
 This is what I believe and I am still implementing it in my life now and then.

Maturity matters. Especially maturity in thoughts and the way we view the world and creatures.
Maturity on how to be a right human.
Am still holding on this.

This is the only reason why am always wish to gear up the spirit of my juniors in faculty, especially that of AnSoc. Given a post in the faculty, am always upholding the belief that I have the responsibility to assist them more.

For I know, many of these greenhorns, are deliberately headless houseflies.
No offense, I mean. It is the social reality that many of the people nowdays enter U without a specific reason. Without knowing, the direction.

They just study, for the sake of study.

It has been shaped by the society.
" We are shaped once we are borne to this world."

You enter an U, because daddy mommy told you to do so when you are in the Grade One.

" You HAVE TO enter U so that you have a bright future, son/girl."
Familiar, isnt so?

And I know, things just isnt right if we never behave in contented manner. Life isnt on a pointer nor a hell scroll. Of course it leads way in some of your steps, but your mind, minds more.

Bill Gates did not pass his exam paper during his school time. His friend did. And now that friend of his is the engineer of Microsoft, and Bill Gates owns Microsoft.

You'd get this kick behind.

AnSoc. AnSoc. Think bout it, Why you are here in this field today.
We say the beauty of different flowers are being judged differently by different eyes, so do when it comes to different field.
You may think that my field is lower than yours, but to me my knowledge is more than it should be. 
Respect others' field. Do well in your own field.

*** ***

Then suddenly, I hear a voice of a lecturer, whom I really keen on, telling me with a warm heart.

" Just remember, dont give up your dream."

[Interest] and [Reality].

One day, you shall see.

Remember, Dreams come before conditions.

Effort. Am still holding on. Effort matters a lot. A lot.

Run, even its mud beneath your Nike shoe. 

 " Anthropologists are people who ask smart people dumb questions."
Be the smart scholar in all means.

Feed le demon in you.

I mean it.