In a box

Friday, 27 December 2013

Questionable. Questions.

Questionable. Questions.

I don’t used to blog when am in campus.
This is the first time I do it right here at this place I have indulged so much.

Cause I can imagine how worse the scenario is over there, yet I can’t help out anything.
Prayer seems less convincing right at this moment.
Suddenly I feel a strong emptiness and bored. Regardless of how strong I am.

This song astonished me today.

Sometimes I try not to talk
And sometimes the words come out right
And sometimes I speak like a child 

I can’t help anything. I do not know how, which I have seldom been through like this.
Being a person who stands on own in every single thing, I don’t use to tell the deepest in my heart. Laughter just veils up everything. Life challenge can collapse me Au fact, but I have made that decision to go on.

It wasn't  a choice, it was a decision.

I question a lot. Uncountable questions are in my mind even when am sleeping.
There’s a saying that everyone is a philosopher, even when you lay on the ground and scratch your head, asking
“Who on earth I am actually?”.

You question, you think, you are a philosopher. 

I have asked so many questions that exposed me to too many truths and made me came to a realization that, I won’t ask for more.
Religion. Rights. Relationship. Leadership. Parental. Upbringing.
Even, death.

I have questioned and made too many thoughts on these.
I have to admit that many people attempted to answer my questions which I appreciated so much, even thou I still couldn’t get the answer to answer my questions.
Guess I am undergoing a great metamorphosis in both thoughts and actions now in the second year of my degree.

                                                    But my feelings have changed
                                                          It all seems deranged

When I question on religion, when I answer on death.
When I question why religion could be a barrier and eventually a consideration to give up starting on many relationships.
When I question why some of the LGBT friends are still being looked one kind by the community. When I see the leftover on the tables and the lil cats are urging to eat them and the boys are ignoring them.

When I see people are eager to pick up fame rather than working out for the people.
When I see that a single trivial things can become an issue among religion.
When I realize people are seeking for fame rather than learning to be good and professional leader in every opportunity.
When I see that some feelings are fading and ambivalence comes all along.

I feel it, my leb.

I'm still holding on
But my feelings have changed
It all seems deranged that I stuck here
Alone in the dark
And you carry my heart
As we're playing our parts 

When I question, I won’t get answer. The questions are just don’t designed for answers.
I know these questions are ambivalence, but they are thinkable.

You may ask me why I think so much on the value of religion, because religion overwhelms humanity.
No doubt. This is neutral. Thinkable.
When I was asked by my respectable lecturer ,duirng a conversation with him.
"So what religion are you in?"

I guess my answer gave him a pondering moment. And I believe, having such answer gives me so many questions today.

I couldn’t expect more on certain part and people, since I couldn’t give in much.
But I really question a lot.

Working hard alone isn’t easy task, fighting with self-ego in dark isn’t a peaceful errand, struggling with internal rationality is never a worth doing thing, questioning on my own freedom, wouldn’t give me any rescue.

Sometimes I dare to be weak
And sometimes I try to be strong

The more I encounter, the further I move on. From my daily encounters, in my organizations, my studies, my conversation with the grown-ups and colleagues, as well as the heart-to-hearts.

That I wouldn’t ask for more.

I gave up, I missed up. I couldn’t tell more that sometimes life is just a dart to me.
I try to throw it the way I aimed but I simply sway away. We couldn’t choose on getting arrived in this world, we can only choose to live out a life. 

When I was in a game, we were told to write down what are the things we think of want to throw away and do not want to see it in the coming New Year.
[Being too forgetful and forgiving]. I wrote. A superficial one.

So I think being too understanding is not a wise way. They love me well,

They told me to live my life to the fullest.
They told me not to be too understanding towards others.
They told me problems are meant to be solved.

They told me not to be too good and soft.

They told me to consider myself before considering the others.
They told me to go on without any worries.
They told me not to give up pursuing my dream.
They told me they are proud of me.
They told me to walk my obligations by all means. 

So I question. and questions came back to me.
I don’t know when do all these questions are going to be answered.
Perhaps there would never be, but at least I let them know, they are so many questions that we ought to question but people just taking them for granted. 

The more I question, the more I learn.
And this learning would never cease. 

When I look into the answer, I wish for the earnest ones.
Backing off is never my choice because I have learn to give myself a chance.
Until when I have given up on the worthless hope. 

So we know, life is never a definite answer.
Don’t tell me how devoted you are. How intelligent you are. How wise you are.

Live a humanly life.

I mean it.