That Tough Decision will be a Tough Jouney

Another phase of my life journey was taken an oath today. A decision was made and the talk was walked. A step of next milestone was started.

Yesterday was a dream, today is a result. How many times the debris of words playing in my mind, telling me : Don't give up your dream just to please a person. 

The night I cried by the roadside, a lady came out from her massage shop, looked at me and passed me a box of facial tissue. How blessed I was, looking at her and I smiled. I stood up after a cry war and self struggle, walked to her and said, "Mdm, Thank you,". The moment I walked in the dark and busy route, my heart was struggling, very very painful. 

I have been losing myself, to please the authorities. When everyone is telling to be "a little bit mean" and "bad", I asked myself, why should I tell myself to do so? 

" Because you are way too kind."

They whispered to me. My mommy, and the person I talked to when I cried and walked without knowing where should I head to. "You are just a kind girl," said the two ladies. 

To a certain extent, I do not know if I am good enough, after all people saying " Good job, Iris!" to me. Those  times I was devalued, I felt helpless, hopeless and selfless. I have never living the life I want. This is not a romanticized saying but a cruel bloody truth.

The moment I shivered and ran out from the roar of blaming and screaming upon me, I couldn't feel myself. The feeling was interesting and strange. Stop scolding me, stop scolding me, I repeated. 

I wanted to be a bad girl, that night. Thinking of staying at McDonald but wasn't sure whether it is a 24-hours McD. I regretted to be a good, kind girl in those days when we were supposed to be rebellion.

Blacky the pretty cat cheers me up every morning, giving me a bling of smile from the bottom of my heart. Feeding her biscuits looking at her, is such a beautiful memory to me.

Everytime I talk to people, I feel happy, even they are rude or impolite to me. Really happy. Times like that I train myself to hold back all kinds of temper or anger, but to talk back or write back nicely. Time gives me a precious growth in talking to others learning to look at the beautiful part of others, but I ended up being the most nothing-at-all victim. Well, at least I look at the world with a beautiful heart.

An open-minded person, should have a open heart too. Open minded doesn't mean westernized, Americanized or whatnot. It is how you look at others with a beautiful heart. 

This tough decision of mine, will be a tough journey. Go on, Iris. There's no way back.

A Lil Reason to be Happy, Everyone is Beautiful Today.

A beautiful morning bus T530 ride to work. Rainy cloudy morning. Everything seems so beautiful.

A lil reason to be happy when I finally get the chance to treat myself a nasi lemak at such morning stall. Gerai tepi jalai. Suddenly I asked myself: "Why the thrifty life? Eat something full, Iris." (But right after this I bought myself bread for tmr's lunch. Useless.)

Mommy used to buy me in all Malay stalls when I was in hometown and I miss that shoo much. Here,this is the first time I see an Indian pretty kind kakak selling. Look at the Indian utensil jag and many types of dhal curry. So I treat myself with a typical nasi lemak with telur goreng. I said sorry for I dont have a small note. 

Then I walked far away to another grocery shop to purchase for two breads. After I got the change I told the uncle with my silly polite smile,may I get one ringgit instead of green RM 5 note cos I wanna take bus. He smiled and said Okayy no problem (with his head shaking hahas). Then I walked back crossing the beautiful flowery road with two young browder sweeping the pinky flowers and they smiled in bliss when I gave them a smile with appreciation, back to pay the kakak for my nasi lemak. 

The beautiful pink flowers fall from the trees, accompanied by a pine tree behind them.

A taxi driver who was having his "self-service" by the stall taking white dhal,smiled at me and said "Yes?Anything?" 

When I reached office and came out to feed Blacky the black cat with biscuits, the Indian aunty and Chinese uncle passed by and smiled politely,

Everyone looks so kind today. People are beautiful this morning. Even the bus driver nodded his head contentedly when I told him thank you, being the last person who got down the bus and the only one who said "Terima kasih bg."

Mommy, this is nice. I send you my regards from here. Hehes. RM 2.50. 

The Men, Bus Stop Sri Muda

Having the 730pm T530 bus from Sri Muda back to Kota Kemuning has become their daily routine. Befriend with all RapidKL drivers and talk around. Sometimes the white shirt smart casual with Jeans and brown shoes handsome very fatherly-look uncle call me to get up to the bus, with very cool style. 

I remember during my first ride in that bus from a totally strange place to another totally strange destination via a extremely strange road like a zombie ride,I was telling myself this is an opportunity to learn. Ask. So, after some distance, of course am sure I was in the right bus, I asked him when he was going to get down at AEON Big section 32. I asked him in Mandarin,

"Excuse me,Uncle, Jalan Anggerik is somewhere nearby here right?"

"Anggerik? Anggerik depan. "

Till today, this was the second time he asked me, "Do you speak Mandarin?"
"Yes, I do."

Today he added some more lil questions which he seldom want to (because I was just arrived in the rain and I greeted him), like

"You know Hokkien and English?"

"Yes I do."

And then he told his friend with an artist hat, "You may just speak English to her what." Very friendly smart uncle, a retired man or what idk. Have been living in KK for 15 years. Looking at them, I feel like they have a painting in them, with many colours, some have been faded, fading and some are bright, like they love their every day routine and conversation as well as interaction with people around them.

Well I have never comfortable with people thinking am a Banana or sort of thing like that, proud no definitely. A Chinese should be fluent in Mandarin, no offense, at least this is what upheld and taught by my family on me. Am always appreciate my mommy who sent me to a SJKC(which initially wasnt her decision but eventually mommy made a sharp change in decision). Root. This is why I love languages and sociology.

Jeopardized Buzzer

I wish I could measure happiness
like the real estate appraiser, valuing the property.
Ain't life is simple? No, perhaps.

Life is a trap.
You have never choose to be existed,
Life traps you to the eternal world.
You are tied up by money.
You are tied up by houses houses houses
Double storeys semi detached houses banglow
Four wheels chariot
Premium
Salary Wages

You look into the reality
Like you could measure the happiness
Aspirations raises
Frustration tag along

Confidence and abilities fade away
A piece of nil
Devalued

I wish I could measure happiness
after all most terrible disasters hit upon
a jeopardized buzzer
a jeopardized buzzer
a jeopardized buzzer


If I could smile like I always do
That was times ago
Either I have never tasted happiness
For I have been a jeopardized buzzer



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